The 2026 Men's Club World Cup

Okay, I’m going to just get this out of the way right now: I’m not here to dump a bunch of ants on Chelsea’s picnic. The only game during the Club World Cup that I watched was the final and the London side came ready to play while Paris St. Germain…didn’t. So, congrats to Chelsea for adding a trophy* to their case.

That said, this was a tournament that never should have happened. In the first place, between club and international duty, players are already subjected to excessively long seasons. Then they’re expected to put their bodies on the line for another month (instead of giving their bodies some much-needed rest and recuperation time) so that billionaire owners can make even more money (which, at least for Major League Soccer, led to a dispute between owners and players over an unfair bonus structure).

Players Paying the Price

We had Jude Bellingham, who suffered a shoulder injury late in season, having to DELAY HIS SHOULDER SURGERY so he could play for Real Madrid in the CWC. The risk of further injury was bad enough, but now instead of being on the road to recovery as the club season starts back up next month, he’ll be in the early days of post-surgery rehab.

And then there was the gruesome leg injury for Bayern Munich’s Jamal Musiala after he collided with PSG’s goalkeeper, Gianluigi Donnarumma. (I accidentally saw a video of it…trust me, you do NOT want to see it.) That’s an injury that didn’t have to happen and never should have happened.

The Previews for Next Year’s Men’s World Cup Don’t Look Great

In addition to being another cash grab for club owners,** the CWC was also meant to hype up next year’s actual World Cup, which is hosted by the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Well, now everyone knows how effing hot it gets over here in June and July and the players are less than thrilled at the prospects of playing in stadiums where field-level temperatures (factoring in humidity) often soar well into triple digits.

Oh, and did I mention that many of these areas are also now prone to year-round wildfires? So, in addition to excessive heat, there’s the added bonus of smoke inhalation to look forward to!

Oh, and in case you’ve been living under a rock, immigration policies in the United States have gone from, “yeah, it kind of sucks,” to KIDNAPPING BROWN AND BLACK PEOPLE OFF THE STREETS AND SHIPPING THEM TO RANDOM FOREIGN COUNTRIES. Seriously, I would absolutely NOT recommend anyone travel to the United States for the World Cup next year, based solely on our abysmal record on human rights. And having ICE invite themselves to provide “security” at venues during the Club World Cup games kept more people away.***

For real, though. This country has no business hosting any international tournament right now. The only reason the World Cup games haven’t been relocated from U.S. stadiums to those in Canada and Mexico is because FIFA is just as corrupt as the Trumpentine administration.**** I mean, the previous World Cup was held in Qatar and it’s not much of an exaggeration anymore to say our record on human rights is about as bad as theirs.

But let’s circle back to the CWC final, shall we? As I indicated, the game itself was pretty much over by halftime, with Cole Palmer bagging a brace and João Pedro adding a third in the 43rd minute. Chelsea did a good job of frustrating PSG’s attempts to break into the final third, and when they did get through the defense, Robert Sánchez was there to clean up.

Here’s Where it Gets Awkward. REALLY Awkward

So Chelsea wins the title, good on ‘em. If you’ve watched enough of these awards ceremonies play out, you might think that PSG having to walk through to receive their runner-up medals (or the melee that happened after the final whistle) would be the most humiliating part of the festivities. And you would be wrong.

Trumpentine***** was invited to participate in the handing out of the awards, which in and of itself is not unusual since many heads of state take part in the awards ceremony. On his way to the stage with Infantion, Trumpentine was roundly booed by the 80,000+ fans in New Jersey. And, no, we’re STILL not at the most humiliating moment yet.

Once the medals were handed out, Infantino and Trumpentine picked up the trophy* and carried it over to Chelsea captain Reece James. Once the trophy was in James’ hands, Infantino headed off-stage but Emperor Trumpentine stayed put, determined to include himself in Chelsea’s celebration. Before you facepalm, it gets worse: you can see James asking Trumpentine “Are you going to leave?” while his teammates were looking like 50 Shades of What the Actual Fuck?

AWKWAAAAAARRRRRD.

There were some now-debunked reports that the club photoshopped Trumpentine out of their celebration photos that they posted to social media, but evidently, the club said they simply chose to post photos of the team taken after they finally got the president to move to the back of the stage.

Somehow, it feels like the most appropriate ending for the Club World Cup. And it somehow has made me even less interested in giving my attention to next year’s men’s World Cup. Which is sad because, until recently it was an event I looked forward to.

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*It’s actually a REPLICA trophy, apparently. FIFA President Gianni Infantino brought the original to the Oval Office and Emperor Trumpuntine seems to have just kept it. FIFA had to quickly get a replica trophy made and holy shit that sounds even more stupid and embarrassing every time I read it.

**Turns out the tournament didn’t pull in the piles of dough they were anticipating. Ticket sales for many of the games were so bad that, in Seattle, ticket buyers were randomly relocated to other camera-facing sections in order to make it look like there were larger crowds. Tickets, which had been in the hundreds of dollars (for cheap seats!) were going for less than $20 US in some cases. Whoops!

***ICE thugs routinely raid immigration courts, worksites, and churches. They must have been salivating at the thought of rounding up non-white people and trafficking them to who-knows-where.

****FIFA recently leased space at Trumpentine Tower, in case you were wondering how far up Trumpentine’s wazoo Infantino is.

*****Oh! I’m reminded of yet another very awkward moment at the beginning of the tournament when Italian side Juventus was brought to the White House (presumably the same day that Trumpentine decided to steal the trophy). U.S. Men’s National Team/Juventus players Tim Weah and Weston McKennie were placed front and center by the president as he took press pool questions about, among other issues, U.S. travel bans and his transphobic views of trans women participating in women’s sports. Both players were caught off guard, with Weah later saying, “I just want to play football…”

(Thumbnail image: Sandro Schuh/Unsplash)